The Book of Hamilton
by omelettethemusical
Summary: Hamilton parodies based on songs from The Book of Mormon.
1. Making Things Up Again

**Hamilton:**

I hadn't slept in a week. That's when miss Maria Reynolds walked into my life. So I offered her a loan, I offered to walk her home. She said -

 **Maria Reynolds:**

You're too kind, sir. Please, stay…

 **Hamilton:**

 _I had an affair_

No I didn't! _And nobody needs to know about it_

 **Mr. Hamilton:**

 _You have to say no to this, Alex_

 **Hamilton:**

But I got away with it, Dad!

 **Mr. Hamilton:**

 _You cannot keep doing this and you know it_

 **Washington:**

 _Don't be a cheating Chad, Alex_

 **Hamilton:**

President Washington?!

 **Washington & Mr. Hamilton:**

 _Because a lie is a lie_

 **Hamilton:**

It's not a lie!

 **Mr. Hamilton, Mrs. Hamilton, Washington & Angelica:**

 _You have to say no to this, Alex_

 **Hamilton:**

Oh, conscience!

 **Mr. Hamilton, Mrs. Hamilton, Washington & Angelica:**

 _You're putting your whole career in great danger_

 _Be careful how you proceed, Alex_

 _'Cause when you cheat, there's a price_

 **James Reynolds:**

Hey, you slept with my wife!

You'd better pay up or I'm gonna tell YOUR wife!

 **Hamilton:**

What?! Oh my - NO! You can't do that! NO!

 **James Reynolds:**

Why not?

 **Hamilton:**

Because… here's a bunch of money to keep quiet!

 **Mr. Hamilton, Mrs. Hamilton, Washington & Angelica:**

 _You have to say no to this, Alex_

 _Tell your wife now, maybe she'll forgive you_

 _You can't just do what you want, Alex_

 **Hamilton:**

Come on, guys!

 **Mr. Hamilton, Mrs. Hamilton, Washington & Angelica:**

 _You're digging yourself a deep hole_

 **Hamilton:**

 _I guess I should say no to this soon_

 _But I can walk out anytime I want to_

 _It isn't so bad, because this time_

 _I'm not committing a sin_

 _Just by helping a poor woman, right?_

 **Mr. Hamilton, Mrs. Hamilton, Washington & Angelica:** NO!

 _You have to say no to this, Alex_

 **Maria Reynolds:**

 _I am so helpless!_

 **Mr. Hamilton, Mrs. Hamilton, Washington & Angelica:**

 _You're putting your whole career in great danger_

 **Maria Reynolds:**

 _And I say "Hell yes!"_

 **Mr. Hamilton, Mrs. Hamilton, Washington & Angelica:**

 _Be careful how you proceed, Alex_

 _When you cheat, there's a price_

 **Maria Reynolds:**

 _I am in paradise!_

 **Hamilton:**

 _Who would've thought I had this magic touch?_

 _Who'd've believed I could say yes this much?_

 _I'm grinding, she's moaning_

 _We're thrusting and groaning_

 _I'm giving her all of my stuff_

 **Maria Reynolds:**

 _Ooh - La!_

 **Chorus:**

 _You have to say no to this, Alex_

 **Maria Reynolds:**

 _Mr. Hamilton_

 **Chorus:**

 _You have to say no to this, Alex_

 **Maria Reynolds:**

 _What a perfect man!_

 **Chorus:**

 _You have to say no to this, Alex_

 **Maria Reynolds:**

 _My savior!_

 **Chorus:**

 _You have to say no to this, Alex_

 **King George:**

Well, you're never gonna be president now.

 **Hamilton:**

 _I know…_


	2. Caribbean Hell Dream

**Hamilton:**

 _Long ago when I was twelve_

 _My mother and I both fell ill_

 _And I just couldn't seem to die_

 _My mother passed away in her sleep_

 _And I barely had time to weep_

 _I had to struggle to get by_

 _I've lived with that guilt all of my life_

 _And the terrible vision that I had that night…_

No, please! I don't wanna go back!

 **Chorus:**

 _Down, down thy soul is cast_

 _From the Earth whence forth ye fell_

 _The path of fire leads thee to Caribbean hell dream!_

 _Welcome back to Caribbean hell dream!_

 _You are having a Caribbean hell dream now!_

 **Hamilton:**

 _And now I've gone and done it again (Rectus!)_

 _I've committed another awful sin (Dominus!)_

 _I had a long, torrid affair (Spookytus!)_

 _Eliza, how could I have done this to you? (Deus!)_

 _How could I break commandment seven, too? (Creepyus!)_

 _And now I'm trapped in the devil's lair…_

Back in Caribbean hell dream!

 **Chorus:**

 _Down, down to Satan's realm, see where you belong_

 _There is nothing you can do_

 _No escape from Caribbean hell dream!_

 **Jesus:**

You left your mother to be buried in a mass grave, and now you cheat on your wife?! You're a dick!

 **Hamilton:**

Jesus! I'm sorry!

 **Chorus:**

 _Jesus hates you, this we know, for Jesus just told you so_

You remember Lucifer? He is even spookier!

 **Satan:**

 _Minions of Hades, have you heard the news?_

 _Alex was caught giving nookie_

 _Now he's back with all you Catholics and Jews_

 _It's super spooky-wooky_

 **Hamilton:**

 _I'm sorry, Lord, it was selfish of me_

 _To break my marriage vows, I don't wanna be_

 _In this Caribbean hell dream!_

 **Chorus:**

 _Caribbean hell dream!_

 _Genghis Khan, Henry the VIII, Christopher Columbus_

 _Their spirits all surround you - spooky, spooky, spooky!_

 **Columbus:**

 _I enslaved Indians and cut off their hands_

 **Genghis Khan:**

 _I slaughtered the Chinese_

 **Henry VIII:**

 _I beheaded two wives and also Thomas More_

 _And gave my kids STDs_

 **Hamilton:**

 _You think that's bad? I let myself be seduced_

 _I cheated on my wife, I'm way worse than you!_

I hate this Caribbean hell dream!

 **Chorus:**

 _Caribbean hell dream!_

 **Hamilton:**

Please, Heavenly Father! Give me one more chance!

I'll write my way out of this!

 _I can't believe Jesus called me a dick!_

 **Chorus:**

 _Welcome, welcome to Caribbean hell dream_

 _You are never waking up from Caribbean hell dream!_

 **Hamilton:**

Oh, please help me, Father! Please let me wake up!

Give me one more chance! I won't let you down again!

 **Chorus:**

 _Down, down thy soul is cast_

 _From the Earth whence forth ye fell_

 _This must be it, you must be there_

 _You must be in Caribbean hell dream now!_


	3. Hello

**Burr:**

Hello, my name is A. Burr

And I would like to share with you

The most amazing show

 **Laurens:**

Hello, my name is John Laurens

It's a show about America a long, long time ago

 **Mulligan:**

It has so many awesome parts

You simply won't believe how much

This show will change your life

 **Hamilton:**

Hello, my name is A. Ham

And I would like to share my story, written by my wife

 **Washington:**

Hello, my name's George Washington

Did you know about the founders of the USA?

You can hear all about it now

They were black and Latino and some were maybe gay

 **Angelica:**

Hello, my name's Angelica

And can I leave this playbill here for you to just peruse?

 **Burr:**

Hello

 **Angelica:**

I'll just leave it here

It has a lot of information you could really use

 **Eliza:**

Hello

 **Hamilton:**

Hi

 **Eliza:**

My name is

 **Lafayette:**

LAFAYETTE!

 **Eliza:**

You have such lovely eyes

 **Washington:**

It's an amazing show

 **Laurens:**

Bonjour!

 **Washington:**

INCOMING!

 **Jefferson:**

What'd I miss?

 **Madison:**

My name is

 **Peggy:**

And Peggy!

 **Burr:**

Don't bring your kids!

 **Hamilton:**

This show gives you the secret to a Broadway life

 **Philip:**

Sound good?

 **All:**

A Broadway life is super fun

And if you see our show you'll know

How to extend your run

(No thanks?) (You sure?) (Oh well.) (Mike Pence?) (Goodbye.) (Have fun with Trump.) (Hey now!)

You simply won't believe how much

This show will change your life (x5)

 **King George:**

Hello, would you like to see the hottest show on Broadway? If you don't, I will kill your friends and family to remind you of my love!

 **Lin-Manuel Miranda (v.o.):**

No, no, King George, that's not how we do it! You're changing the tone of the show! Just stick to the script.

 **All:**

Hello!

 **King George:**

Tally-ho!

 **All:**

My name is

 **King George:**

King George the Third!

 **All:**

And we would like to share with you

This massive ticket sell

(Hello!) (Hello!) (Now go, men, go!)

(Just take this book!) (It's free!)

(But the play won't be!) (Buy the CD!) (You see)

You simply won't believe how much

This show will change your life (Hello)

This show will change your life (Hello)

This show by Lin-Manuel…

 **King George:**

OHHHH!

 **All:**

You're gonna die someday

But if you watch this show, you'll see

That there's another way

Live through history, create a legacy

We can fully guarantee you that

This show will change your life

This show will change your life

This show will change your life

This show will change your life

The show called Hamilton… Hamilton

Hello!


End file.
